Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
It’s the beginning of fall, which means the leaves are falling and the sweaters and heavy coats are coming back into the stores. But have no fear, sexy ducklings—this just means you’ll have to spend more time under the covers with your partner than in the open field. But hey, we can all adapt. Send any questions you may have to [email protected], and I’ll do my best to answer them. Keep in mind, I’m no counselor or doctor—but unlike a hot plate, any dorm allows this column to help heat things up.
My neighbors have wild parties that can be loud, which isn’t that big a deal. But they also have really loud sex after everyone goes home from their parties. I get up early for work, what am I going to do about this? —Hitting the Wall
Sorry Wall, but there’s really nothing you can do. Unless your neighbors are doing something that could warrant a noise complaint or somehow entering your own personal space, you probably can’t complain to your landlord. It’s not like they’re doing something out in the open that affects a great majority of the building, like sounding off a car alarm twice a day.
If you’re truly desperate, reread your lease and see if there’s something regarding excessive noise. Unless there is, you’re probably better off purchasing a ton of earplugs.
My fiancee’s pregnant right now, and I don’t know what’s going on with me but—I’m totally turned on by her pregnancy. I have no idea why. She wasn’t a super thin girl before, but oh my gosh, now I’d just have sex with her all the time if she’d let me. Does this happen with guys and pregnant women sometimes?  —Daddy Dearest
Yes. All the time. It’s a very common attraction, and not the most uncommon fetish too (it’s called maiesiophilia). There are a couple of theories as to why it happens—fertile women are seen as sexier from a very basic perspective (not to mention their already stereotypically desirable parts tend to grow in size).
I’d say just enjoy yourself, and don’t be afraid to go after your newly extra-luscious fiancee. But please, be prepared for her potentially not on the same page as you in terms of sex. In pregnancy, sometimes libido is the first thing to go.
It’s so weird, but I love women’s hips. I love holding onto them when we make out or make love, letting my hand sink down to a women’s waist (not her butt, just waist), just watching girls move them on the dance floor. I love them more than breasts! My guy friends make fun of me, but I can’t explain it. Is that weird? —Love the Side Jobs
Jobs, you’re definitely not alone in this fascination (wow, a lot of straight-guy reassurance going on this week). Why do you think Shakira’s such a huge sex symbol?
There’s a lot of reasons to love hips in the female gender. They can imply health, energy and fertility (not to mention the capability for awesome dance moves). So don’t worry about your preferences, Jobs. Stranger things have happened.
Whenever my boyfriend and I have sex, it hurts down there. Like a lot. This guy’s the third guy I’ve ever had sex with, but I thought the pain would be gone by now. I really want to stay with this guy—will this hurt our relationship too much? —Love Me Tender
Okay, this is a horrible problem to have. But keep in mind that you’re absolutely not alone. Many women “close up” at certain times—the vagina can be a tricky thing. But there’s a few things to consider: Has your partner been doing foreplay? Have you experimented with oral sex acts (with both of you)? Have you made the bedroom a comfortable, erotic place? You may even want to try different sexual positions, since different positions may be more comfortable than others. This is your time to be a little selfish, my dear. Keep experimenting with your partner, and make sure you’re comfortable with him. I also highly encourage you to masturbate, just so you can get more comfortable with your own body and sexuality. And if things do continue to hurt, see a doctor. There may be something more sinister at hand.
In regards to your partner, I really wouldn’t worry. If you’re honest with him about the pain you’re feeling (plus the fact that you want to stay with him), it shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Just make sure above all that you let him know that you don’t think it’s his fault. (That’s what I’m getting from you, anyway.) A lot of men have a fear of causing their partners pain while having sex with them, which can cause feelings of guilt whenever they feel attracted to them. Take care of those possible fears, and you’re golden.
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Lot of straight people this week, so I thought it’d be great to give mention to the most weird-yet-strangely-fabulous news I’ve heard so far this week—drag queen gangs robbing fabric stores. I’m not making this up. According to the Palm Beach Post, three queens were arrested September 20th and were charged with theft of merchandise amounting to an amount over $300 (classifiable as a felony in Florida). Apparently they had been doing this for a very long time but had never been caught. The best part of this article? The clerk’s quote about their stealing proficiency: “”Oh, gosh, they could wipe out a whole section of boas in seconds…”
 
For more from Nina KaPow, read our previous editions of Ruffled Feathers:
Ruffled Feathers #1
Ruffled Feathers #2
Ruffled Feathers #3
Ruffled Feathers #4
Ruffled Feathers #5
Ruffled Feathers #6