Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
I’d like to take this opportunity to say to people who wrote in this week: Thank you for hearing my whining from last week, and subsequently sending in raunchy letters! Things were getting pretty calm at the Ethos cave wherein I receive your letters. Pretty vanilla grievances, I gotta say. Which I’m happy to answer! But frankly they aren’t as much fun. I was starting to wonder if midterms had killed everyone’s libido, but thankfully I was proven wrong. Thanks for giving me hope!
Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. I am not a doctor or any type of therapist. And for the last time, I will not tell you which sections of the Knight Library are the best to make out in. You have to find out for yourself.
 I’m kindof in a crisis right now. My girlfriend and I just had sex for the first time. She said she was a virgin, and I believed her. But she didn’t bleed after we had sex.
I’m just so angry at her—how could she lie to me like that? She’s always told me she’s a virgin, and I actually fell for her because she had waited to have sex until she felt it was right for her. But why the hell would she lie to me about it? Is there some reason why a woman would lie about being a virgin these days? I don’t even want to be with her now, sexually or otherwise. I’m just sick about this. —Betrayed Boyfriend
Here’s a news flash for you: Not every woman bleeds the first time she has sex. According to Planned Parenthood, a woman’s hymen can be stretched out (the internal action that leads to the bleeding you describe) through riding a bike, wearing tampons, or other methods. And some women’s hymens are so naturally small that bleeding doesn’t happen because there isn’t much to stretch out. So your girlfriend could have easily been telling you the truth.
And even if your girlfriend had lied to you, why do you think she did it? Do you think the tone you set for the relationship may have contributed to her decision? I mean sure, there are gals out there who lure people like you into bed by playing upon their innocence fetishes. But if you two made it all the way to the “boyfriend and girlfriend” stage and she maintained that she was a virgin, she was either telling the truth or is the most dedicated virginity fetishist-seeker I’ve ever seen.
Look dude, if you absolutely must enter only into vessels previously unknown to man, fine. But I don’t think your girlfriend lied to you, judging by what you’ve described. I wouldn’t back away just yet.
I’m a submissive person when it comes to sex (which is way different than how I am in real life, but whatever). My boyfriend knew that when we started hooking up, but lately he’s been clamming up whenever we get into BDSM territory. He’s afraid to do the rougher stuff that would really get me off— pinching, slapping, even name-calling. He just won’t do it.
I’m going insane. I mean, I’m all for equal-partnership sex (and even tossing him around a little), but I’m used to being “the man” in daily life. I like being dominated because it’s such a release, and my boyfriend knew this about me from the beginning. So why’s he hesitating now? —Needing Punishment
I love subs who are figures of authority but submissive at night. They’re like kinky werewolves … hooray for Subwolves!
Okay, now to your deal. What you’re describing is perfectly normal. Ten bucks says your boyfriend hasn’t been with a sub as out there as you, or he’s more used to “equal-partnership sex.” It’s great that you disclosed that you’re a sub from the beginning. But the implications of your sexual identity may not have fully sunk in to your partner. Things might even be complicated because of the fact that you’re two dudes, and we live in a society where dudes are taught only to hit other dudes if they’re angry with them. There isn’t much connection between pleasure and pain at all in traditional dude culture, unless you count Fight Club. Which I don’t.
But all isn’t lost, Punishment. You’re just new and novel to your man. Keep on being honest with him about what you need, and he’ll come around. Let him wrap his brain around the fact that yeah, he may be hurting you. But you like it.
I have a question—what does it mean if I’m a guy and I like it when my girlfriend has anal sex with me while wearing a dildo? Does it mean I’m gay? I’ve only dated girls. —Just Wondering
Have you ever fucked a guy? Have you ever wanted to fuck a guy? No? Then you’re probably not gay. Granted, I’m not in your head/heart. But if you consider yourself a straight guy (the impression I’m getting), then it’s possible that you just like having anal sex. That doesn’t “make” you gay. That’s a horrible myth circulated by men who can’t stand the idea of a woman stealing the dominant position they’re used to doing in doggy style. Don’t buy into that b.s., Wondering. Maybe you’re just a more evolved breed than the rest.
Okay Nina, here’s a question from the alt-sex community (your questions have been pretty vanilla lately): I have an arrangement with a married poly couple in town, where I’m the husband’s hot young “mistress” that the wife is actually okay with him having in real life. It’s a great arrangement for everyone involved: I get to have sex with a hot older guy, he gets to have sex with both a younger woman and a woman his own age, and she doesn’t have to provide for him sexually all the time (apparently she has a really busy career). We’ve been at it for a few months, and I don’t feel pressure to stay in the relationship if I decide I want a different partner.
But something’s bugging me. The husband hasn’t yet introduced me to his wife. Isn’t it proper decorum for the polyamorous person in the center of everything to make sure the partners are aware of each other? And what if his wife really doesn’t know about me? All I’ve heard about her is what he’s told me. —Mistress Confused
Ask to meet the wife. Now. Because Mistress, the fact is that you should have done this a long time ago. This guy could be perfectly innocent/clueless about the importance of everyone in a poly setup knowing exactly what the setup is. But there this guy could also just be a scumbag who never consulted his wife about involving someone else. In which case, you’d be a mistress in the unsexy, unempowering way. I’m assuming you don’t want to be that.
Bottom line: You have to be sure that the situation is indeed free and clear by the wife. And if your partner gets defensive about you meeting his wife, or says it’ll happen but it never actually does, run away. Polyamory needs agreements in place between everyone in order to work (even if there’s a “have sex with whoever you want, but don’t tell me about it” code in place). There’s enough time left in your life for you to be with people who turn out to be scumbags over time. Don’t be with scumbags intentionally.
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: In the spirit of showing school spirit in non-sports ways, here’s a new challenge for us Ducks: Condom company Trojan has released its numbers for the most sexually healthy universities in the United States. Guess who ranked Number Five? Frickin’ Oregon State University. We didn’t even break the top 10. For shame!
Granted, the colleges were judged according to many factors, including the availability of drop-in and appointment-based health care, HIV testing cost, and the existence of sex advice via an e-mail or newspaper source (AHEM!). But come on, Ducks. We can do better than that. Write in! Score free rubbers! Because Ducks are sexier than Beavers, damn it.