Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
Praise the heavenly bodies, it’s Winter Break! Time for reading books a person actually wants to read, nice cups of cider or tea, and more opportunities to slow down and enjoy spending time with others. Whether you’re spending the vacation exchanging presents with your family, getting drunk on sake with your friends, or just chilling with your host family, enjoy the time off. Do fun things, do stupid things. Just don’t get bored, ducklings.
Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. I’m not a doctor or a therapist, but I do know what sections of The Nutcracker are most conducive to female (and male!) arousal.
I came out as a lesbian last year, and it was really hard. When my extended family members came to visit for Christmas, most of them were really awkward around me. It was like I had grown cooties or something. Thankfully I had my mom around so I could hang out with her. She’s been supportive of me since the beginning, and that was super helpful.
This year I’m going home again, and I’m hoping it’ll be less awkward. But I haven’t really had much contact with them over the year. Is there a test or something to see if it’ll be weird again this year? And if it is, what can I do to ease the weirdness?—The Lezzy Elephant In The Room
First get this through your head, Lezzy: People warm up to other people’s coming out at different paces. If your family was been under the impression that you were straight for your entire life, it may take time for them to wrap their heads the fact that you were a lesbian the entire time. I’m not siding with them being closed-minded—it’s been a year since you last saw them, and they’ve hopefully warmed up to your sexuality since then. I’m just saying that you coming out is a big fucking deal to your family. And in families, big fucking deals often take time for people to get accustomed to them.
While everyone in your family is processing your coming out, the best thing you can do during winter break is be yourself. Talk to people; don’t be afraid to show your face. If there are little kids around, hang around them. Getting the kids in the room to like you is a great way to endear yourself to adults in a family. If you still want to test the atmosphere at home beforehand, you can always call your mom and ask her to tell you what’s going on at home. And you should thank your lucky stars that you have a parent that’s also an ally. That’s such a blessing when coming out in general.
On a side note, I like how you used “lezzy.” That word needs to come back. It’s adorable.
I’m going to visit my cousin during Winter Break, and I’m not looking forward to it. He always gets so macho with me about sex, wanting to know how many women I’ve done it with and if it’s less than how many he has. It just gets so tiring—I’ve had sex with women, and more than one for sure. But the dude can’t talk about anything else. What do I say to make him shut up?—More Conversations In The Sea
You say this: “The more you talk about what you’ve put your dick into, the smaller I think it is.”
Your cousin is obviously insecure, Sea. Or else he’s the victim of a macho culture, in which case he’s still pathetic but slightly more forgivable. If it’s the former, ignore him. Let him worry about how big your cock is compared to his; you have your own problems.
If it’s the latter reason, however, just be your non-piggish self in spite of him. You can listen to what your cousin says and just bring up another topic, or not participate as much in the conversation as much as he does. Sure, he might call you weird or question if you’ve really slept with as many women as you say you have (you’re not bragging about it, after all). But if you’ve truthfully told him your number before, you don’t have to tell him again. A true stud, a player in the respectful-to-women definition, does not have to brag about how many partners he’s ever had. He is confident enough in himself to not feel the need to assert his appeal, or objectify women out of dick fear.
Okay, this is a real problem: I just found out my girlfriend is a stripper. Like a full-on, commutes-to-a-club-to-work-when-she’s-not-in-class stripper. We’ve been dating for about two months, and she only just now told me.
I’m horrified. I just keep thinking, who else has seen my girlfriend naked? Who has she given lap dances to? Can she get some disease or STD because of this work? I don’t even know how to handle this. I’m just freaking out. Can you tell me how to address this with her? And I don’t know what it means that she didn’t tell me until now.—Backstage Boyfriend
First get your facts straight, Backstage: being a stripper is not the same as being a prostitute. She’s not sleeping with anyone else, she’s not having intimacy that’s emotionally charged with anyone else, and if she’s working at a decent club she’s probably not contracting any diseases. There’s a good chance she’s even getting tested regularly, since her job as well as her health depends on her being healthy.
What’s incredible is that you’re wondering why she didn’t tell you right away. She was afraid you’d judge her, dumbass. A lot of female college students consider stripping because it’s a lucrative way to make money and pay off student loans while in school, but they’re afraid of the backlash if anyone found out what they were doing. Stripping is still sex work, which carries society-induced shame even today. Your girlfriend sounds like she’s ashamed that she even has that job. Waiting until two months in…yeah, she definitely considered not ever telling you. But she chose to tell you anyway. That was a huge risk for her to take, and a sign that she cares about you. And now the future of the relationship is in your hands.
This is Nurse Nina’s prescription: Get some distance to clear your head, a few days or so. Then talk to your girlfriend about her job—what are her reasons for being a stripper? If they are reasons you can live with (she’s exploring her sexuality, the attention feels good, it’s a great way to earn money, etc.), then adhere to the final step: Go to the club when she’s working. Let her know you’ll be coming sometime during the week, and then just go in and see what exactly she does. Don’t interfere (unless she is in some sort of danger). Just see what the atmosphere is like so you don’t torture yourself with hypothetical situations. Only then make your decision about whether you will stay with or leave your girlfriend. It’s good to be honest about what you feel you can handle in a relationship, but you could miss out on a good, loving relationship. You could be kicking yourself in the future for leaving this woman just because of the job she had at one point in time.
 
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Here’s something you may not expect doctors to recommend to nuns: birth control pills. In a paper recently published in British medical journal The Lancet, two doctors propose that nuns should consume birth control pills because they have been shown to reduce risk of developing certain cancers. Unmarried women who never have children are already at increased risk for certain cancers (such as breast) because of biological factors. A provision in Humanae Vitae, the work written by Pope Paul VI in 1968 that started the ban on using contraceptives if one belonged to the Catholic church, actually permits members of the church to consume substances with contraceptive properties if they help to cure a disease. Keep watching, maybe this will end up being this age’s Birth Control Battle. But this time it’ll be for ladies who ain’t even looking for sex.