By Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
As a very loving Auntie Duck (or as much as I’ve been drawn to be one by the Ethos artists), I’m very excited to see the new freshmen waddling about with wide eyes on campus. Welcome, wee ones! Enjoy your first week, and make sure that condom you put in your wallet back in sophomore year of high school is still intact before you do anything stupid. Goodness knows you’ll probably be bombarded with so many sexual health goodie bags, it won’t be that hard to replace.
Feel free to send in your sex and relationship inquiries to [email protected]. Keep in mind that I am not a doctor or a counselor — nor do I know the fastest way to get from Lillis to the PLC.
 
I’m totally in love with my Mormon boyfriend. In fact, his devotion to his faith is one of the most wonderful things about him. But I want so so badly to make love to him. So badly—I’ve never fantasized about anyone else, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. Is there any hope that maybe he’ll change his mind about the premarital sex thing? Is there anything I can say? —Dating A Man of Faith
 
NO. No no no no no no no, and BAD PARTNER for even thinking about it!
You love your man for his faith, right? Then respect him for his faith also. They are indeed two different things. Loving someone for their faith means that you love their capacity for devotion, integrity and steadfastness. Respecting someone for their faith means that you acknowledge the impact their beliefs have on their entire life, and just how big a role it plays in their decision making. Trying to influence or change such a big part of someone doesn’t always convey respect for them. Especially if it’s for something that gives you a benefit as well (like sex). It’s manipulative, and more than a little selfish.
If you truly love this person, DAMF, then wait for them. If not, move on to someone with a different set of beliefs. If your boyfriend does indeed experience a change in beliefs, he knows where to find you. Potentially causing someone to have a crisis of faith for just one (or even several) nights of passion is never worth it.
 
My roommate (we’ll call him Roomie) and I live in a two bedroom apartment. I dated a girl toward the end of last year, and when I broke up with her she went straight to Roomie in what I thought was to make me jealous. Being as I broke up with her, I didn’t really care. The relationship wasn’t serious until a couple of weeks ago when they had sex for the first time. Now, she’s over consistently and Roomie is always making a mess around the apartment and never cleaning up because he’s too busy with her. How to I tell him my concerns without seeming like I care he’s dating her? —Stuck in the Middle
 
Okay, you’re over her right? Right? Just checking, because before you do anything about the mess/responsibility problem you have to take a mental inventory of that part of yourself. When it comes to ex-partner and current-partner interactions, everyone is smelling for jealousy. It establishes the balance of power. So before you do anything, make sure nothing is still lingering in the darkness. If so, resolve that pronto.
Okay, now that that’s settled, just talk about the mess. If Roomie is morphing into an irresponsible roommate because he’s started dated someone, then it’s a discussion worth having. Because here’s the truth: It doesn’t matter that he’s dating your ex. I know I’m preaching to the choir, but you need to keep telling yourself that when you confront him. If he brings up the Ex Factor, then he’s the jerk. That’s him being manipulative. Because chances are you would feel compelled to say something about this situation even if it arose while he was dating Tyra Banks.
 
My boyfriend and I have started role-playing and it’s totally fun. But he has one fantasy that’s a little scary to me.
He wants to lay me down on a couch, and pretend to be my psychologist. And he’ll eventually “seduce” me on the couch after hearing how unhappy I am with my husband. This is really kinda creepy by me, just because it’s kindof offensive and predatory. But I want to be as open to him as he’s been with me. What do I do? —Not To Be Shrunk
Rule #1 of Role-Playing: Everyone has to be cool with the script. This means that if you are genuinely uncomfortable within the scenario, you need to speak up and speak up now. Be firm and be resolute about how you feel at the present time. And if he still pressures you to go forth with the scenario, then he’s the jerk. Keep that knowledge in your pocket, no matter what.
That being said, keep in mind that sometimes feeling about certain sexual acts may change over time. The point is to ease into them gradually. Yes, this particular role-playing scene reenacts a particularly sexist cultural tradition, but don’t sexy nurse/secretary/firefighter/police officer scenarios also? The idea is that the whole situation is different because it’s you and your partner (or partners) enacting the scenario. The consent is what makes it different.
So tell your boyfriend how you feel and be resolute about it, but be honest about how you feel about potentially opening up to it in the future. If not at all, fine. But if the flower begins to unfurl even a little bit, let him know.
 
I’ve just finished looking up all my professors online, and one of them is SO HOT. I have no idea how I’m going to handle it when I’m in his class!! —Oh My Gosh
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is a frosh writing. Honey, take it from Auntie Nina: Writing like you’re texting doesn’t help you when you’re asking for sex advice.
Now to the heart of the manner: OMG, you’re not that special. I’m sorry, but you’re not. Everyone has a crush on one of their professors and/or one their teaching assistants (T.A.s) at least once in college. It happens. I still remember mine, on my math T.A. way back in sophomore year. God help me, I love nerdy folk.
Just take a deep breath, and think about how much more important it is to do well in the class you’ll have with that professor than to potentially get with them. One will potentially enhance your life (and might even give your professor an ego boost), while the other will just make life difficult (or at the very least, very awkward) for the both of you.
 
Is there a rule for how long you should wait before going after your best friend’s ex? I have five bucks riding on this. —In The Money
 
Sorry to disappoint you Money (actually, I’m not, I tend to be that person in a lot of situations), but there really is no set rule. It depends a lot on how the breakup ended and the length of the relationship itself.
Plus, and those pondering this act might really want to consider this, how would you feel if you now only pounced too soon on your friend’s last flame, but then found out they used you as their rebound or revenge-screw? Think about it.
 
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: According to the New York Post, an Orthodox Jewish man and his wife have created a sex toy/bondage gear outlet online that would allow people to search for… stuff they desire… without visiting sites that would cross the line according to their faith. The aptly named KosherSexToys.com is specially created to only feature photos of products, not alluring models or steamy backgrounds. This gives Usher’s song lyric “I want a lady in the street/But a freak in the bed” a whole new meaning, for sure.
 
 
For more from Nina KaPow, read our previous editions of Ruffled Feathers:
Ruffled Feathers #1
Ruffled Feathers #2
Ruffled Feathers #3
Ruffled Feathers #4