Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
Welcome to Week Three, also known as When The Classes Start Getting Hard. (My mind fell into the gutter on that one, too.) The libraries will soon start filling up with Ducks and Ducklings wondering why oh why they signed up for twenty credits for the first term of the year. Psst… It’s been proven that sex relieves stress! It positively floods the body with happiness-inducing hormones. Just something to think about.
Send in your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. You won’t receive answers from a doctor or counselor. But it’s better than an 8 a.m. midterm after a night when neither you nor your partner got any sleep (priorities, priorities…).
Dear Nina, is it a normal thing for people to want to have sex with vampires? Because it totally is not like that for me. In fact, it grosses me out. I don’t want to have sex with someone who’s dead! But all my friends have the vampire crush thing going. Am I weird because I’m not turned on by sparkly pale people? —No Fangs Please
No, No Fangs, you are 100% fine for not liking vampires. Sexual fascinations, just like jean styles, go in and out of fashion all the time. Remember when there were pictures of stars with their thongs hanging out of their pants all over every tabloid? Or when Pulp Fiction made every man want a woman in a clean white shirt and a flapper haircut?
I‘ve taken the time to do a bit of research on what attracts people to vampires though, and it comes down to a couple of factors that actually make sense:
1) There is always an allure to what is dangerous. Your mate can’t be with you because they may kill you during their tempestuous lovemaking? Mmm…. yummy is the forbidden fruit!
2) The current vampire reincarnation is usually portrayed as the culture’s sexual ideal of the moment.
3) Vampires are usually portrayed as wealthy, which is definitely attractive from an evolutionary point of view.
4) Beneath the uber-ripped-and-masculine (or voluptuous-but-freakishly-strong) exterior, these supernatural figures of desire are alluring because the hapless mortal is the only one who seeks to understand them. The mortal DOES have a bit of control over them—they’re the only one who the vampire is most intimate with.
As you can see, there’s some sense behind this fascination for bloodsuckers, No Fangs. But this doesn’t mean you’re a freak for not liking them. Everyone has a different brain. Maybe you’ll feel differently when werewolves or pirates or blue scaly shape-shifters get big again. 
I’m a musician, and I’m actually getting a lot of consistent playing gigs right now. Naturally, a lot of these gigs happen in bars. A lot of drunk girls try to get with me after the performances, and I brush them off because I’m MARRIED. But my wife and I only just got married, and I feel like she doesn’t trust me to play in these bigger places because there’s more of a chance of someone flirting with me after the show (when we got married, I was definitely not playing very big gigs). She doesn’t get that I have to play at places like these in order for my career to get better. How do I get her to understand that? —Just With The Band
Not to be cruel right off the bat, but your wife knew what she was getting into when she married a musician. There’s always a chance of attracting a fan that’s had a few too many drinks, or thinks you’re dressed a little too sexy for your own good when you’re in such a public line of work. Did she go into this marriage with her eyes open in that regard? Did you explain what your eventual career goals were, and what gigs you hoped you’d earn as time went on? You certainly owed her that, because it could have prevented situations like this from happening. If you did all of that, good. Hopefully this will just be a temporary bout of jealousy that your wife will eventually jump over once she realizes that she’s the one you’re coming home to.
There is a darker side to this, though: Is it possible that your wife may be jealous of your career’s sudden success? It’s entirely possible that she didn’t count on you being so successful so quickly— maybe she thought her career might come to fruition first, so she doesn’t exactly know how to handle all the attention you’re suddenly receiving (from both bar managers and groupies alike). If this is the case, I suggest that you talk to her about it. She may not even realize that she’s been walking around with those mental expectations of the future.
I sometimes bribe my boyfriend with sex so he’ll do things for me, like fix my bike, take out the garbage, etc. It’s a total joke for us, and we both kinda win. My best friend thinks I’m kind of a slut for doing it though—she thinks he’s taking advantage of me. How do I tell her it’s not like that? —Not A Slut
From a kink perspective, this sounds like a totally fun idea! If both of you “win” from this, and neither of you genuinely feel like you’re being taken advantage of, then I say this falls under the Naked Picture Principle. That is, every couple has some activity or inside joke that makes total sense to them and is actually healthy within the context of the relationship—but can look completely messed up to the rest of the world. Exchanging naked pictures can fall under this, along with I’d-totally-leave-you-for-Scarlett-Johansson jokes or making grossed-out faces whenever one of them kisses the other in public.
The point? If you’re happy and he’s happy, carry on. Show your friend what I said, and know that not everyone understands everything that goes on within the context of a relationship. And the end of the day though, they don’t have to be in that relationship.
My friend’s in an open relationship right now, and he’s showing a lot of interest in me. It’s part of his deal with his girlfriend—he can have sex with guys on the side, but his girlfriend is his main partner. I’m not really comfortable with being the third person in an open relationship, even if it’s just for sex. My friend thinks I’m so old school, and asked me how I could be gay and be so old fashioned with relationships. What do I do with that? —Unhappy Gay Guy
Let me take this opportunity to say this (directly following National Coming Out Day): Being gay (or really any sexual orientation) doesn’t guarantee anything about your attitudes or preferences regarding sex. Not all gay men are queens, not all straight girls are femme and not all bisexual folks are androgynous. The gender or sex that you prefer to have intercourse with does not say anything about what you’re looking for. I frankly think your friend has a little growing up to do in realizing that.
As for open relationships, they’re not for everyone. Some couples are really happy under that arrangement, because it allows them to satisfy their sexual needs while maintaining the emotional connection, friendship and sometimes entire life that they’ve already established together with that main partner. You’re not wrong for not having a thing for open relationships, though. Like vampire sex or playfully exchanging sex for favors, not every sexual activity is for everyone. Don’t hate yourself for being different from those who are currently surrounding you. Anyone who makes you feel like less of a person for not fulfilling their half-baked preconception of you doesn’t deserve your time (and especially doesn’t deserve to have sex with your sexy gay self).
 
What’s Ruffling Figures This Week: The one and only Jackie Chan, star of the upcoming film 1911, has officially filmed his first sex scene! Holy cow, really? But it’s true, this was Mr. Chan’s first sex scene on film, at age 57. It was with the positively sexy and adorable Li Bingbing, too. Unfortunately, the scene was ultimately cut from the historical drama. In the opinion of May Daily, it was “… too hot to handle.” Sure puts the title of Rush Hour in a new light.
 
For more from Nina KaPow, read our previous editions of Ruffled Feathers:
Ruffled Feathers #1
Ruffled Feathers #2
Ruffled Feathers #3
Ruffled Feathers #4
Ruffled Feathers #5
Ruffled Feathers #6
Ruffled Feathers #7