Story by Bailey Meyers
Hello, everyone, and welcome to our very first Oscars Liveblog! I’m your host for this fine evening. I’m guessing that The Artist will sweep everything, but that’s just because I’m being obvious.
4:51 pm. Okay, I’ve settled in on my couch. I’m ready to watch. I hope someone does something crazy this year. Also, for those of you at home who are interested, I’ve microwaved myself a Lean Cuisine. It’s alright.
4:56 pm. Tim Gunn to Penelope Cruz: “You look amazing! What’s your secret?” Genetics, Tim. Genetics.
5:01 pm. Why is Cameron Diaz here? Also, Tim Gunn just asked her the exact same question he asked Penelope Cruz. I’m guessing he doesn’t like her dress.
5:03 pm. JASON SIEGEL. If he doesn’t win for Best Original Song, I’m going to pitch a fit.
5:04 pm. Bradley Cooper just did a Christopher Walken impression, which aaaaaalmost makes me forgive his terrifying mustache.
5:05 pm. God, Gwyneth always looks like such a wreck on the red carpet. Every single hair out of place, big stains down the front of her dress… Just kidding, obviously she looks like a perfect blonde automaton.
5:07 pm. Oh, Glenn Close is wearing black. Snooore. Seriously, no one has worn anything crazy yet. What’s the point of the Oscars, then?!
5:08 pm. IT’S THE ACCOUNTANTS HOLY COW YOU GUYS IT’S THE ACCOUNTANTS AHHHHHH
5:12 pm. George Clooney is still dating Stacy Keibler?
5:13 pm. Brad Pitt is here, and BRAD, CUT YOUR HAIR.
5:14 pm. Sandra Bullock looks like she’s wearing a wrestling belt.
5:15 pm. “We’re having sexy times tonight!” -Sandra Bullock
5:16 pm. I’m so glad the red carpet coverage is almost over.
5:18 pm. Commercial break! Time for some Diet Coke. Y’all, I’m getting crazy tonight.
5:21 pm. Natalie Portman looks gorgeous. That must have been a struggle for her, because normally she looks like the Elephant Man.
5:23 pm. Tom Hanks is taking us down the “winner’s walk.” “For the rest of your life,” he says, “you will have an asterisk next to your name.” He also just called the press in the Press Room a “savage horde.” And then he goaded them into yelling at him. I can’t help loving this man.
5:25 pm. Brian Grazer says that there will be Cirque de Soleil performers at some point, and they will “personify the theme of the show.” These are the things that I, as a liveblogger, like to hear.
5:30 pm. It’s started, and MORGAN FREEMAN.
5:32 pm. I can’t lie to you guys, I’m insanely attracted to that man.
5:33 pm. Oh, Billy Crystal. AS IF they had to torture you into doing this.
5:33 pm. “Justin Bieber, what are you doing here?” My thoughts exactly.
5:34 pm. “Have fun storming the fuhrer.” Guys, Billy Crystal made a Princess Bride reference before I could!
5:36 pm. Billy Crystal dressed like Tin Tin will haunt my nightmares forever.
5:37 pm. Ooh, Meryl looks pretty!
5:38 pm. So many groan-worthy jokes in this monologue. Hard to pick just one to quote here. But I think Billy quoting James Earl Jones to James Earl Jones might take the cake.
5:39 pm. Jonah Hill was NOT amused by the reference to his formerly zaftig physique.
5:41 pm. But I am not groaning at Billy’s intro-song. I think he’s doing a good job! I just wonder if they could have provided him with visuals or something. So it’s not just him alone on the stage, singing at everyone.
5:43 pm. Tom Hanks is presenting the first award. He just name-checked a guy who’s been a seat-filler at the Oscars for over half a century. Cute!
5:44 pm. Okay, first award is cinematography. The winner is Hugo! Well-deserved. That movie was gorgeous.
5:45 pm. Gandalf won the award, apparently.
5:45 pm. Next up is art direction. I hope this goes to Harry Potter, since this is pretty much all it was nominated for.
5:46 pm. Hugo again. Again, deserved, but I’m disappointed nonetheless.
5:51 pm. Aaaaand we’re back.
5:52 pm. Another montage. It’s like they really don’t want us to end on time.
5:54 pm. I initially thought this was of Best Picture winners, but then they showed a clip of The Hangover, and I quickly realized it was just a montage of whatever movies they wanted.
5:55 pm. Jennifer Lopez looks insane, and she and Cameron Diaz are presenting for Best Costume Design.
5:56 pm. And The Artist picks up its first award.
5:57 pm. The winner says he “dreamed, ate, and slept movies.” Someone get that man to the hospital after this.
5:58 pm. Makeup award! Harry Potter‘s been nominated for this, too, so, again, I’ll be rooting for it.
5:59 pm. And the Oscar goes to… The Iron Lady. Oh, fine.
6:01 pm. Montage of actors talking about their first movie experiences. Guys, we’re on the clock here!
6:02 pm. Helen Mirren is the best part of this stupid montage, but that’s just because she’s Helen Mirren and she’s the best part of anything she’s in.
6:03 pm. “Moneyball is the first baseball movie to be nominated for Best Picture since Field of Dreams in 1989. No baseball film has ever won Best Picture. Will that change tonight?” No.
6:04 pm. “Bull Durham should have been nominated.” -my dad
6:06 pm. Sandra Bullock is presenting for best Foreign Language Film. Sandra is now speaking Chinese with a German accent? I guess? She’s a very talented lady.
6:07 pm. I still hate her dress, though.
6:08 pm. And the Oscar goes to… A Separation. I’ll confess right now that I haven’t seen any of the Foreign Language nominees, but I’ve heard A Separation is excellent. And it seems no one is surprised that it won.
6:10 pm. Christian Bale is here, looking terrifying as always. He is presenting for Actress in a Supporting Role.
6:12 pm. I desperately want Melissa McCarthy to win this award.
6:13 pm. And the Oscar goes to… Octavia Spencer for The Help. Unsurprised, and definitely deserved. She was the best part of that movie. Also, she looks gorgeous. No complaints here.
6:14 pm. They gave her a standing ovation, and she’s crying. AW, YOU GUYS. My heart may have just grown three sizes.
6:15 pm. When I inevitably win an Oscar, I’m going to thank a bunch of celebrities I’ve never met before, but in bizarrely familiar ways, so that no one ever speaks to me again.
6:19 pm. Billy Crystal is telling us all about focus groups, which, why?
6:21 pm. And a sketch in which they make fun of focus groups. Which, again, why?
6:23 pm. No one looks particularly amused after that waste of time. Guys, we’re here for another hour and a half.
6:24 pm. Tina Fey! And Bradley Cooper. Presenting the award for Film Editing.
6:25 pm. And the Oscar goes to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I think I would have been fine with any of these movies winning, but this does feel really well-deserved. Also, these guys clearly didn’t think they were going to win, so they are scrambling to think of something to say.
6:26 pm. One of them just said, “There’s the Roons!” and pointed to Rooney Mara, masterfully undoing that carefully aloof facade she’s been working on in one fell swoop.
6:27 pm. And Hugo takes another one for sound editing. It seems to be taking a lot of the technical awards, which makes a lot of sense, when you consider the subject matter.
6:28 pm. He just thanked “anyone who’s ever been born.” Hilarious, guy!
6:28 pm. Now the award for Sound Mixing. I confess ignorance, guys. I don’t know the difference between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing. I do know I just cackled at the clip of Shia Labeouf squealing like a girl (since Transformers 3 was inexplicably nominated).
6:30 pm. Hugo takes it again.
6:31 pm. Hey, the Oscars are brought to you by Diet Coke, and so is this liveblog! Twinsiiiies.
6:35 pm. THE MUPPETS! YOU GUYS!
6:36 pm. They keep encouraging us to “go to the movies,” but, guys, we’ve been to the movies, and now we want to know who won the damn awards.
6:36 pm. Cirque de Soleil is here! This is insane. I’m fascinated, because this is cool, but I wonder how long this will go on for.
6:37 pm. It’s like that year they had those weird interpretive dancers doing impressions of the nominated films. Like, this is all well and good, and that’s very cool that you can do that with your body, sirs and madams, but can we get on with the show?
6:39 pm. It’s over. Good. I don’t think I realized how much that heavy drum beat was stressing me out.
6:40 pm. “We’re a pony away from being a bar mitzvah!” -Billy Crystal. What does that meeeean?
6:41 pm. Now he’s making fun of how old some of the nominees are? For some reason.
6:41 pm. Oh look, here’s Gwyneth again. Oh, and Robert Downey, Jr! He’s come out with a film crew, because he’s apparently making a documentary called “The Presenter.” He keeps yelling at Gwyneth. I approve of this shtick.
6:43 pm. “I turned down The Descendents to prep for this.” -RDJ. They’re presenting the award for Best Documentary.
6:44 pm. The Oscar goes to Undefeated.
6:45 pm. The documentary peeps are being played off. And they just cut off their mics. Rude!
6:46 pm. Chris Rock is here. He’s presenting an award for animation, and is doing it about as offensively as possible.
6:46 pm. To sum up what he’s saying, “In animation, you can be races you aren’t! Also, none of this is difficult to do, and they pay you tons of money to do it!”
6:47 pm. He’s presenting for Best Animated Feature Film. How on earth was Kung Fu Panda 2 nominated? Oh, yeah. Cars 2 is why.
6:48 pm. Oscar goes to Rango. Good! That was actually a really fantastic film. I was sort of expecting it to go to one of the dark horse foreign nominees, but I’m pleased.
6:49 pm. In other news, I just scratched myself in the eye, and it hurt.
6:50 pm. Never have I been more thankful for commercials. Time to go first aid myself.
6:52 pm. They’re back, and here’s Melissa McCarthy hitting on Billy Crystal in a frilly bathrobe.
6:53 pm. Ben Stiller and Emma Stone are presenting the award for Visual Effects. Emma stone is adorable and a million feet taller than Ben Stiller. Also her head is being kept on with a giant red bow.
6:55 pm. Typically banter is unfunny, but Emma Stone really is the best.
6:56 pm. Harry Potter is nominated for this one, too, so you know who my well-dressed horse is in this race.
6:57 pm. Transformers was nominated for TWO awards?!
6:58 pm. Hugo wins another one. Okay, we get it. It was visually excellent. Good lord. Throw poor Mr. Potter a bone!
6:59 pm. On cue, Billy Crystal starts talking about Harry Potter, because apparently they CAN hear me through the TV.
7:00 pm. Melissa Leo is here, and she pronounces the word “privilege” funny. She’s presenting for Actor in a Supporting role.
7:00 pm. Kenneth Branagh has a faux hawk, and I’m not sure what I feel about this. Sadness, I think.
7:01 pm. And the Oscar goes to… Christopher Plummer for Beginners. How is this the first time he’s won an Oscar? What a cruel world we live in.
7:02 pm. Beginners was wonderful and Christopher Plummer was wonderful in it. Also, he was pretty good in The Sound of Music. Seriously, HOW HAS HE NEVER WON BEFORE.
7:04 pm. This man is so wonderful. I want him to win every award from this point forward.
7:05 pm. “Martin Scorsese waited twenty-six years after his first nomination to win an award for directing,” says the cheery voice-over lady. Oscars, I’d suggest you stop reminding us of your utter incompetence for like five minutes.
7:07 pm. I wish Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance had been nominated. Maybe it was after the cut-off date? For your consideration, Oscars 2013!
7:09 pm. Billy Crystal is now going to narrate the thoughts of Oscar nominees. I was going to make fun of this, but then he started narrating Morgan Freeman’s thoughts and it was just directly lifted from March of the Penguins. Okay, this is kind of funny.
7:10 pm. Nick Nolte’s thoughts, apparently: “BLAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHHHHHHH.”
7:11 pm. The president of the Academy is here. Oh my god, guys, aren’t there still, like, a million awards to give out?
7:12 pm. Billy Crystal thanks him for “whipping the crowd into a frenzy.” Oh, Billy. I’m guessing he doesn’t want to host again.
7:13 pm. Giant sheet music has risen out of the stage, for some reason?
7:14 pm. Owen Wilson and Penelope Cruz are here. Ah, I guess they’re presenting for Best Original Score, so the sheet music thing almost makes sense.
7:15 pm. The Oscar goes to The Artist. Makes sense. It was a silent movie, so the score was front and center the entire time.
7:17 pm. Will Ferrel and Zach Galifianakis are here. They’ve come out of the orchestra with crash cymbals.
7:18 pm. They’re presenting the Oscar for Best Original Song. The previous winner will join the ranks of “‘Moon River’… and ‘It’s Hard out Here For a Pimp.’” CYMBAL CRASH.
7:19 pm. And the Oscar goes to… Will Ferrel and Zach drop their cymbals on the ground. And Bret McKenzie’s won for “Man or Muppet”! YAY!
7:21 pm. They have girls dressed like old-timey cigarette girls going down the aisles and giving out candy bars and popcorn bags. Please, like these people are going to risk getting something in their teeth or on their outfits. Well, Brad Pitt might.
7:25 pm. Aaaand we’re back. Home stretch, everyone! Half an hour to go (theoretically)!
7:26 pm. Billy flubs a joke and does a weird dance, a la Ashlee Simpson on SNL, and HOLY HELL ANGELINA JOLIE PUT IT AWAY.
7:26 pm. She’s presenting Best Adapted Screenplay, and apparently got a bikini wax before this.
7:27 pm. And the Oscar goes to… The Descendents. I’m guessing it won’t be winning Best Picture, then?
7:29 pm. Angie’s still here, and so is her ridiculous dress slit, and she’s presenting for Best Original Screenplay.
7:31 pm. The Oscar goes to Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris, so there’s no speech, since Woody doesn’t go to these crazy things.
7:32 pm. Another talking head actor montage, this time about what makes a great movie. Seriously, we’re almost done here. Can’t we just finish?
7:33 pm. “I’m trying to tell the truth.” -Adam Sandler (Jack and Jill)
7:37 pm. Milla Jovovich is here, and looks gorgeous. I’m… not really sure what she’s talking about.
7:39 pm. J. Edgar gets its first and only mention at the Oscars, when Billy Crystal makes a cross-dressing joke.
7:40 pm. The cast of Bridesmaids is here, and they are making penis jokes in relation to the short films. “I’d rather have a short film with some heft that’s nice to me, rather than a long film that just lies there and makes me do all the work.” -Kristen Wiig
7:41 pm. The Oscar for best Live Action Short Film goes to “The Shore.”
7:41 pm. Aw, it’s a dad/daughter team. “Now I don’t have to wait ’til her wedding to tell everyone how brilliant she is,” says the dad of the pair. “Mom, this is for you!” says the daughter.
7:42 pm. The Bridesmaids are continuing their “Scorsese” drinking game. Melissa McCarthy and Rose Byrne just pulled mini bottles of Grey Goose out of their dresses and took swigs.
7:43 pm. The Oscar for Best Short Documentary Feature goes to “Saving Face.”
7:45 pm. Ellie Kemper and Wendi McLendon-Covey are presenting for Best Animated Short. The Oscar goes to… “Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore.” Well, that’s a mouthful!
7:46 pm. “Look, we’re just these two swamp-rats from Louisiana…” Possibly the best way to start an Oscar acceptance speech.
7:51 pm. “He was occupying Wall Street before it was cool.” Michael Douglas is here! He’s presenting for Best Director.
7:52 pm. I’d like Jean Dujardin to continue speaking French, please.
7:53 pm. Does Michael Sheen have a ‘fro??
7:54 pm. The Oscar goes to The Artist! Okay, so… is The Descendents going to win Best Picture?
7:56 pm. I wish Uggy the Dog had been nominated for something. Scratch that, everything.
7:57 pm. Billy Crystal lists all of Meryl’s previous victories, then says, “She’s either the greatest actress of our time or a really dedicated hoarder.” Meryl briefly talks about the Governer’s Ball.
7:58 pm. Yeah, we aren’t ending on time tonight. We haven’t given out Best Actress, Best Actor, or Best Picture yet. Ugh, you guys! Get it together!
7:59 pm. James Earl Jones, Dick Smith, and Oprah Winfrey are being honored with what seems to be lifetime achievement awards.
8:00 pm. Oh my god, they have to do the Dead People Montage still!
8:04 pm. Dead People Montage. Esperanza Spalding performs “What a Wonderful World.”
8:09 pm. Another Diet Coke ad, reminding me that I just ran out. 🙁
8:12 pm. Gabourey Sidibe is wonderful, but, seriously, can’t we cut a couple of these montages? Also, this thing ends at 8:30 pm, not 8 pm (as I previously, hopefully thought), but we are still going to be cutting it close. So why are we watching these people talk? We’ve watched them talk all year.
8:14 pm. Natalie Portman’s here, and they’re playing reeeeally sinister music. Granted, it’s the score from Black Swan, but couldn’t they find something a little peppier? She’s presenting for Best Actor.
8:16 pm. Natalie talks about Demian Bichir, and how great he is in A Better Life. Obviously he’s great, Natalie! Didn’t you see his two-season run on “Weeds” as Mexican drug kingpin Esteban Reyes?!
8:17 pm. This is Gary Oldman’s first nomination, too? The Academy, constantly asleep at the wheel!
8:18 pm. “Brad, we were not watching a baseball story.” No, we were watching a story about the Oakland A’s. BOOM.
8:19 pm. And the Oscar goes to… MY SECRET MOVIE BOYFRIEND JEAN DUJARDIN! YAY!
8:20 pm. He’s so charming and French.
8:21 pm. He can’t stop giggling, and he thanks Douglas Fairbanks, and everyone in the film. Now he’s shouting happily in French. He can really do no wrong.
8:22 pm. Two more awards to go, you guys. So obviously this is going to take another half hour.
8:25 pm. “They must be going nuts over in France right now… or whatever the French have in place of joy.” -Billy
8:26 pm. Colin Firth is here, classing up the joint, per usual. He’s presenting for Best Actress.
8:27 pm. Viola Davis looks amazing, and showed up to the event sans wig. A bold choice, and a good one. She’s really, really stunning.
8:28 pm. Rooney can’t keep her joy contained when Colin Firth addresses her. She really tries so hard to act above it all, but some things are just too big to hide.
8:29 pm. “Meryl… mamma mia…” -Colin Firth, reminding us of the most embarrassing movie he’s ever done. And I’m including What a Girl Wants in that.
8:30 pm. And the Oscar goes to… SHOCKER OF SHOCKERS! Meryl Streep! This must be the first time she’s ever won anything ever! Whatever, she’s great, and she always deserves it.
8:31 pm. They give her a standing ovation, and she says, “Oh, come on.”
8:32 pm. “When I heard my name, I thought I could hear half of America thinking, ‘Oh, come on. Her? Again?’ But… whatever!” -Meryl, goddess.
8:32 pm. “I really understand I’ll never be up here again.” -Meryl, sarcastic.
8:33 pm. And we’re three minutes over! I was expecting another unnecessary montage, but I guess we’re going right into it, as Tom Cruise is here, presenting for Best Picture.
8:35 pm. Oh no, we’re getting a montage of the nominees. What do you want to bet they’re still going to verbally list them?
8:35 pm. Yep.
8:37 pm. And the Oscar goes to…………………. THE ARTIST! Shocked! I’m shocked!
8:38 pm. Uggy’s on stage, rivaling Jean Dujardin in charisma.
8:39 pm. Uggy is facing the wrong direction. I don’t know why this cracks me up, but it does. Deliriousness  maybe?
8:40 pm. Billy Crystal’s back to send us on our way. “That’s our evening. Good night, everybody!” Amen, sister.

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