Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
The leaves are starting to change, Thanksgiving break plans are starting to fall into place… but still, some unlucky folks are finishing up midterms. Now, I’m no doctor or counselor, but I do know the two keys for Week 5 success: keep your books clean and your condoms close. It’ll be time for turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie soon! Hint: The scent of that last one increases the effects of arousal in men. The same thing that’s supposedly the way to a man’s heart also helps pave the way to other locations…
If pre-vacation angst doesn’t subside, feel free to send in your relationship and sex questions to [email protected].
 
This is so lame, but I have to know: How can be someone become a good kisser? I’m about to start dating after breaking up with someone I was with for a long time. He was my first boyfriend, so I don’t even know how to handle someone who might be different. — Mr. Scary Lips
It’s hard to re-enter the dating scene after being with only one person for a long time, especially in terms of sex. Congratulations on finally reaching the point where you’re ready to come back, Lips. Being willing to learn (and mess up) is the first step toward being good at anything sexually.
That being said, good ol’ Auntie Kapow can’t just hand you a How To Kiss manual and make you an amazing mack overnight. You have to experiment, do the crazy stuff that girls in middle school do in locker rooms before going to gym class. Watch yourself pucker in mirrors, Lips. Kiss your fist and make mental notes on how it feels from both ends. Watch movies to learn what’s aesthetically pleasing. And most of all, use your common sense. If you’re an intuitive person, kissing isn’t that hard. Chances are if you’re averse to receiving kisses with a lot of slobber or teeth action, you won’t kiss that way yourself. So ease up, and enjoy your period of education!
 
One of my best girl friends and I have made out on two separate occasions. She’s never had a girlfriend before (or even a boyfriend, for that matter), so she was kinda frigid during and said after both times that she didn’t want to do it again.
I’m more experienced with sex than her, so I understand that that might make her nervous and/or frigid about being with me. But I saw how passionate she’s capable of being. Why won’t she just let it out?? —Both the Lady And the Tiger
Ooh, a Shy Violet. You don’t see much of those anymore. Which may explain why you might feel unequipped to handle her needs—there aren’t many movies out there that deal with this.
Your friend is clearly in a moment of transition with her sexuality. She is, essentially, feeling it out, seeing what dark things are lurking in the corners. You can’t control the speed or pace at which that happens, Tiger. It’s a hard thing to accept, but it’s the truth.
If you truly want a relationship with this gal (or even just a reliable mack buddy), just be patient and present. The fact that your friend came to you a second time means you’re obviously not a waste of her time (who knows, you might even be acting as a catalyst to their sexual growth). But this doesn’t mean you should hold out forever — if you get a chance to have a more solid and sexually satisfying relationship, then jump on it/them. You deserve that.
 
I have an awkward question: How young is too young to start masturbating? I told my boyfriend how I started at around five years old, and he totally freaked out. He said I must be some kind of a perv, especially because I’m a girl and I started masturbating when I was young. I guess it would make more sense to him if I was a guy? I just don’t know if I’m normal or not. —Before My Time?
Okay, this is when I have to unfurl the “Not a Doctor or Shrink” flag that I usually stick at the top of this column. I can’t give you an authoritative answer, Time, and for that I’m sorry. You’ll want to talk to a doctor or sex therapist in your area if you’re truly concerned about if the age at which you started masturbating is healthy or not (and if you think that it’s interfering with your current sex life).
I can tell you based on anecdotes I’ve heard, though: People can start masturbating at pretty young ages. What they’re doing usually doesn’t translate in their heads (a very good thing!), and it’s usually just a part of general self-exploration. In my un-professional opinion, if your doctor says everything is fine under the hood, I don’t think you should feel at all guilty about being an early bloomer.
As for your boyfriend—where does he get off, treating you like you’re strange or perverted? That is 100% not cool, and in fact, his reaction implies that he probably feels threatened, that you’re more sexually mature than he is himself. Machismo, basically.
Demand an apology from this jerk, and know your specially seasoned sexuality should only be used on people who won’t make you feel like a perv. They should be freaking grateful that you were aware of yourself and unafraid of yourself when you were growing up. You escaped a part of the Prude American culture that so many of us fall into from time to time. Bravo.
 
My best friend is operating under the assumption that we’re both virgins. But the thing is, I’m not. I lost my virginity a while ago and never told her about it.
She’s super-competitive nowadays, and has made snarky comments whenever a guy would flirt with me in a bar or something and not her. I feel like just telling her the truth, but I feel like doing that will harm our friendship. She might end up judging me, and not want to be friends anymore because I didn’t wait to have sex. But I don’t want to lie to her anymore. Is there any way I can tell her and somehow we can  stay friends? — Secret Mary Magdalene
Realize this: You are not the one with the problem here. In this day and age, the group of people who are waiting to have sex until marriage/graduation/they have their own apartment/etc. is growing rapidly smaller. Both the people who wait and the people who don’t are valid in their choices, but the size disparity is by no means equal. This means that as time goes by, the group of Great Delayers are going to have to learn to live in a world where most people (including their friends and family) don’t wait until a certain time to have sex.
That being said, you probably shouldn’t tell your friend about your sexual history until you feel like she’s ready to hear it. Yes, lying by omission is a hard thing to do. But your own self-worth is much more valuable than the few moments of relief you’ll experience through being honest. By the tone of your letter, your self-esteem could take a real hit by telling your friend that you haven’t fulfilled her high expectations. But if she does end up judging you for your choice and breaks off the friendship, you’re better off. This friendship sounds like it’s fraying anyway, if you’re afraid that it could unravel because you dared to tell your friend the truth about a basic fact about your existence as a human being. No real friend should ever make you feel like a slut. Period.
 
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Here’s a bad representative for college-age men if there ever was one: 21-year-old Kyle Richards, an inmate in Michigan’s Macomb County Jail, filed a lawsuit because he felt he was being subjected to a “poor standard of living” while in prison because he wasn’t allowed… porn. The Huffington Post article describing this laddie’s sad affair went on to say that he felt he was being subjected to “sexual and sensory deprivation.” Sad. But the worst part? CBS Detroit reported that his lawsuit was thrown out because he didn’t pay the $350 filing fine. Jailbound, broke and horny? Richards just can’t get a break.
 
For more from Nina KaPow, read our previous editions of Ruffled Feathers:
Ruffled Feathers #1
Ruffled Feathers #2
Ruffled Feathers #3
Ruffled Feathers #4
Ruffled Feathers #5
Ruffled Feathers #6
Ruffled Feathers #7
Ruffled Feathers #8
Ruffled Feathers #9