Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’ve begun to look into into the food fetish culture just to see what that world looked like. In one of the fattest countries in the world, how has this translated into our sexual practices? Well as it turns out, there are so many fetishes for food. Not just really phallic foods like pastrami and cucumbers, but even yummier things like custard and chocolate. But best of all, I found a website where models can pose as turkeys being basted, cured hams, and even lambs hanging from hooks in old-school meat processing plants. Artistically awesome! But personally I’d rather pose as a ripening tomato. Or maybe an ear of corn with butter.
Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. I am not a counselor or doctor, though I can definitely help you with an ersatz pumpkin pie recipe if need be.
I’m about to go home for Thanksgiving, and I know my relatives are going to ask me if I’m in a relationship (my last one ended two months ago). I’m totally over my ex, and I’m sick of them always expecting me to be with someone. What’s the right thing to say when they start in? —Single, Get Used To It
There are a lot of families out there that this question could apply to, especially those that value traditional/conservative roles for men and women (depending on how you phrase it).  And the kids who remain single for a while but aren’t too upset about it are usually viewed as freaks, and/or someone in need of a Wise Matchmaker. You’re not alone in feeling frustrated, not by any means!
Ideally, the right thing to say to your relatives would be, “Yeah, I’m single” with a big smile on your face. Because that’s honestly all you need to say. Not being in a relationship isn’t a state you should have to defend. It doesn’t mean you’re socially defective—for Pete’s sake, you were in a relationship not too long ago! Don’t explain yourself, Single. Your relatives are the weirdos here.
One of my relatives just died, and left me a huge amount of money in an inheritance. It’s enough to pay off my student debt and have a lot left over. Really nice to have that taken care of! But I’m wondering if I should tell my partner about it. She’s working through school, and often struggles to pay her bills. We’ve been dating for over a year, but we don’t live together. Am I obligated to tell her? —New Big Spender
Money’s a really touchy subject in relationships, especially one like yours where you haven’t made it to where the financial assets of partners start to merge. You don’t live together, which is a big indicator of what your partner should expect to receive from you and the inheritance. That is, Spender, she should expect nothing. At this point, you have no financial investment in the relationship apart from any gifts or dates that you choose to pay for. Just like her.
Keeping this in mind, I can’t really tell you what to do with this partner because you haven’t described what you’re envisioning for the future with her. I don’t think this counts as something that you absolutely must keep secret because it doesn’t affect her directly, but it could head that way you might want to mention it. If not, you might want to keep it to yourself. It’s good to share big life events, but you don’t want her to think that she’s you next big investment if that’s not what you’re thinking.
My new girlfriend and I are nearing the point where we’ll start getting closer physically. I’m so excited to be with her, except for one thing. I had major surgery on my chest a year ago, and even though I’m physically okay, I have a huge scar. Like huge. Even weirder, my chest hair grew in around the scar—it looks like I was welded shut after the surgery. It’s just ugly.
I’m not self-conscious about the scar when I’m around my guy friends-they think it’s awesome. But I’m worried my girlfriend’s going to be freaked out once she sees me with my shirt off. I’m worried the scar will scare her, or she’ll think I’m deformed. Do you think that will happen? —Tin Man
I hope that you’ve talked to her already about the surgery you had a year ago, Tin Man. Not just to prepare her for what’s about to come but because that’s a big friggin’ deal! If it’s soon enough that the scar makes you look welded, it’s recent enough to still have an impact on your life and health. So I’m hoping you’ve told her already, if you’re considering sleeping with her.
Other than that though, I don’t think you have much to worry about. I know for a fact that many women dig scars. It gives off an impression that you’re strong, and that you made it through times of hardship and pain. Her primeval brain might connect you with the role of a badass hunter who managed to kill the saber tooth tiger even though it took a swipe at your chest. If you’ve told her the history behind what she’ll see if she has sex with you and she’s decided to stick around, I don’t think you should worry too much about your scar. You killed the tiger, have an awesome remnant of the battle, and the hot cavewoman in the next cave wants to fuck you. You’re on Easy Street.
I just tried having oral sex with my boyfriend—and it tasted horrible! I know cum isn’t supposed to taste good exactly, but is there anything him or I can do to make it taste better? —Needing New Flavor
Ah, the $64,000 Question. How do you make cum taste better?
There’s products out attempting to address this problem (I even found a recipe for a “Super Spunk Smoothie”), but I don’t think you’re looking for your man’s ejaculate to taste like strawberry or mango. Friggin’ creepy, if you ask me.
The general consensus is that drinking a lot of water, eating fruit, and not smoking are the best ways to make cum taste better. It helps to have balanced chemistry on the inside—nothing too acidic or carb-filled in your boyfriend’s diet. It makes sense when you think about it. Ejaculate (and vaginal fluids too) is basically the essence of what you carry inside your body all day. There’s definitely a taste difference between a vegan guy who drinks only water and a meat eater who smokes two packs a day. And as the joke goes, their spunk has very different point values in Weight Watchers.
 
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Bad news regarding the sexual health of America’s population, though good news there can be hard to come by anyway. A report came out last week from The National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD and TB Prevention discussing the rates of certain STDs in America as of 2010. It ain’t pretty: the number of people in America walking around with any stage of syphilis ticked up last year, as well as that of people with gonorrhea (although that disease has had a general downward trend over the years). Perhaps the most astounding fact was the number of people reported to have chlamydia in America—well over 1 million, and it’s been steadily growing since 1995. Interestingly, our state ranked number 39 in the country in numbers of people diagnosed with chlamydia in 2010, 42 in gonorrhea, and 36 in primary and secondary syphilis. That’ll do, Oregon. That’ll do.