Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
The nerves are fried and the scarves are tied… As fall ends and winter begins, I hope that everyone has taken some time out of their frantic lives of studying to relax. Relax and drink herbal tea. To relax, drink herbal tea, and have sex. That, I believe, is the ultimate Eugene cultural trifecta. Especially if someone’s dressed as a Slug Queen.
Send in your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. I am not a doctor or psychologist, but I guarantee everything I write will match a tweed pea coat or knit Peruvian hat perfectly. You classy hipster, you.
Dear Nina: I’ve lived in the same town my whole life. And as far as I know, no one from here has ever been attracted to me. I’ve never had a girlfriend from my town (the one I have had was long-distance), and this fact’s just been driving me crazy lately. Is it possible that the people I grew up around didn’t ever think of me like that?Is there something that I’m not seeing? I think I’m a good catch, so I don’t get how no one in a group of people I’ve literally known my whole life has ever thought about asking me out. —Local Joe
They have, Joe. Someone has thought about asking you out, and at least one person has fantasized about having sex with you. How do I know this? Because you’ve been around these people your entire life. It’s happened.
But why no visible results? A couple of reasons, probably. My bets are on sexual inertia (people get used to dating/macking/having sex with the same people for such a long time, people don’t think of possibly going outside that pattern) and the fact that these folks from your hometown have literally seen you at every stage of life. It’d probably feel like incest to date you at this point.
I honestly wouldn’t worry about this, Joe. You said you’ve had a long-distance girlfriend before? Then you’ve proven yourself of being sexually attractive. You don’t have anything to prove to these folks. Move on.
Every time I even mention an ex-boyfriend, my current boyfriend gets really quiet and I can tell he’s upset.  He says that he knows that I had other boyfriends in the past, but that he doesn’t like the thought of someone else’s hands on me.  I’m never mentioning any of that kind of stuff, just stories about my first caramel apple after I got my braces off or how I learned to skateboard.  On the one hand, I think it’s flattering, but on the other, I constantly feel like I have to censor my stories to avoid offending him.  I can’t really talk to him about it anymore because he always says the same thing.  What should I do?  -Flattered and Frustrated
Okay, your boyfriend sounds paranoid as hell. Thinking of “someone else’s hands” on you when you talk about simply having a boyfriend at some point in your life? Guy needs a cookie or something, sheesh.
I mean, no one likes to hear extensively about their partner’s exes, but exes are a fact of life. People usually have other relationships and other sex partners before they end up with the person they’re going to be with forever and ever. But some people have a Madonna/Whore complex (and the male counterpart I’ve invented: the Prince/Player complex) where they want to believe their current partner is so pure and so inexperienced and so innocent, but then also want these same people to be sophisticated and secure within the relationships (not to mention good in bed). These people don’t get that in order for a person to be capable of a mature relationship, they need to “practice” with other partners and experience different things throughout their life.
I wouldn’t consider this attitude flattering at all, FF, because at the root of it all your boyfriend is asking you to amend your personal history to keep him happy. This is dishonest, and hints that your boyfriend doesn’t want to be with the real you. The real you who has dated other people and maybe had sex with other people. The you who’s maybe even loved people other than him. He can’t handle that real person which is you. That’s pretty damn significant. If he keeps playing the I-Just-Want-You-For-Myself card and won’t even listen to you telling parts of your life story because they involve you being with someone else, then maybe you should consider if he’s worth your time.
Dear Nina: I recently caught my boyfriend having sex with someone else, but here’s the thing— he was a guy. (I’m a girl.) My boyfriend has always told me he was straight, and I believed him. But he just doesn’t even want to talk about what happened. He says I should just forget I ever saw anything, because it was just a one time thing. But I can’t think about anything else. I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. I don’t even want to lie next to him at night. I feel like he’s been lying to me the entire time we’ve been together, and I’m just so lost on what to do. Any ideas? —Unknowing Beard
Beard, listen to yourself. You’ve lost all sexual interest in your boyfriend. You don’t trust him. You’re feeling an assload of contempt. In your head, the relationship is already over. So why are you talking to me at all, if you’ve already made up your mind?
I’m going to tell you something you won’t want to hear: Think of what your boyfriend’s going through right now. You caught him either satisfying an urge he couldn’t share with you, or else was seeking an affection you couldn’t provide to him. He’s probably humiliated, either way. And probably ashamed of his sneaking around. God only knows you catching him having sex with a man was probably his worst nightmare.
It’s really up to you what happens from here, Beard. Stay or go, accommodate or flee. Do the world a favor, though: Don’t be one of the ferociously hetero partners who would rather have their maybe-not-hetero partners lie to them (and the world) about who they really are than be hurt or embarrassed by the truth. That, madame, is what being a beard really means.
Dear Nina: My girlfriend’s really been into gender play lately. Not just wearing a strap-on, but asking me to hold her like I would a man, mentioning her “dick” when she’s fucking me, etc. I have no problem doing all that, but I’m kinda scared of becoming one of those lesbian couples where one of them acts like the “man” and one is the “woman.” It’s so weird. Do you think that’ll happen to us if she keeps doing this? —The Other XX
Let the record show: I’ve never ever seen fantasy gender play leading to super-fundamental gender role reassignment in couples. Period. It doesn’t matter if it’s between two women, two men, or a crowd of bisexual transvestites. Gender play in sex is for fun and experimentation. As far as I know, no one’s ever grown an extra sex organ as a result of wearing an inflatable bra or dildo too long.
So in conclusion, XX, calm down. Calm down, get a bowler hat and bow tie, and tell your girlfriend you want to play the part of Man On Wire tonight. Your fears don’t seem to have any real basis, but remember what they say in the fire prevention presentations— the best way to fight a disaster is to prevent it.
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Speaking of gender play— remember how you used to make life horrible for your substitute teacher in middle school? Well, some little punks in a Vancouver, Washington middle school took it a little too far when they made fun of their male teacher for… being a transvestite. He punished them accordingly by kicking them out of class. And most awesome of all, the higher-ups sided with the teacher— Washington’s Evergreen School District said that they have no problem with the substitute teacher dressing in women’s clothing on the job so long as he follows the dress code, according to KTLA.com. Personally, I’m wondering how many more transvestite teachers are yearning to wear their alternative-gender clothes to school. I say, let them wear lipstick! Or binder vests, if that’s their speed.
For more from Nina KaPow, read our previous editions of Ruffled Feathers:
Ruffled Feathers #1
Ruffled Feathers #2
Ruffled Feathers #3
Ruffled Feathers #4
Ruffled Feathers #5
Ruffled Feathers #6
Ruffled Feathers #7
Ruffled Feathers #8
Ruffled Feathers #9
Ruffled Feathers #10